Rules For England To Live By
by DarkMagicWhiteLight
Summary: I've seen a few of these around but never saw any for England. I NEED suggestions! My first time writing for a long time and I would apreciate help. May extend into oneshots.
1. Chapter 1

**I saw a few of these list and I thought ' why the heck not?'. I haven't seen one of the for England yet.**

_RULES I AM OBLIGED TO LIVE BY AS FORCED ON ME BY GERMANY (and most other people...)_

_By England_

1) Not allowed to sing " Two world wars and one world cup, doo-dah doo-dah" while in the presence of Germany.

2) Not allowed to bring 1966 world cup up around Germany any more. He doesn't care.

3) Not allowed to booby trap my house against France, even if it is only for my own peace of mind.

4) They don't work any way.

5) Trap-pits in the garden, however....

6) Not allowed to dig trap-pits in my garden, it is stupid and immature.

7) Fill in that trap-pit you dug in the garden, France had to get a cast.

8) Never mind that he was attempting to break into my bloody house at bloody _midnight _for heaven's sake!

9) The proper response when an ally, like, say, France, is hurt or in trouble, say like, down a trap-pit, is to get them help as soon as possible.

10) The incorrect response to the aforementioned situation is to close the curtains and play Muse at top volumn.

11) Not allowed to point out that the Eiffel Tower looks a bit like a giant phallus. It will backfire _horribly_.

12) Just because the accepted alternative name for 'author' is 'wordsmith' does not give me the excuse to call politicians 'bollock-smiths'.

13) Not allowed to sing that song about sheep-shagging.

14) Not allowed to teach Peter that song about sheep-shagging.

15) Not even if I'm drunk am I allowed to sing songs about sheep-shagging and similar.

16) Not allowed to get drunk in the proximity of France, Russia, Prussia or any young children.

17) Not allowed to call Wales 'Sheep Boy'.

18) When drunk, I'm not allowed to wear a traffic-cone as a hat.

19) When drunk, I am not allowed to put traffic cones on top of bus stops, even if they do look like wizards afterwards.

20) Am never allowed to sing 'Eskimo Nell'.

21) Should I be handed any forms or questionnaires to fill in, whether it be from a fellow nation or not, I am not to fill them in with inappropriate and facetious answers.

22) Not allowed to take anyone to Blackpool.

23) Not allowed to call Germany a ' camp, Nazi, sunbed stealing, sausage eating kraut'.

24) Not allowed to antagonise Russia.

25) Not allowed to call America a wanker.

26) Not allowed to curse anyone.

27) Not allowed to summon anything to set on other nations.

28) Not allowed to talk to fairies while around the other nations. Apparantly I'm crazy enough already ( They exist, I tell you!).

29) Not allowed to key anyone's car.

30) Shouldn't try and outdrink Russia ( That man is not human.).

**Thatttssss all I got. This is my first time writing for APH. I really hope that I got Iggy in character. I may come back with a few more when I think of some, seeing as there is probably more he could do to people like France and stuff...**

**Help me? Please?**


	2. Chapter 2

_RULES I AM OBLIGED TO LIVE BY AS FORCED ON ME BY GERMANY (and most other people...)_

_By England_

31) I am not allowed to visit Argentina wearing that shirt with my flag on it.

32) I am not allowed to visit Argentina wearing anything with a Eurofighter on it.

33) The situation never calls for chasing someone out of the building and giving them a kicking.

34) It sometimes helps if I remind my colleagues that I have been living and working with them for donkeys years and that I am not completely ignorant of their languages, it avoids some fights. Not the majority of them, but still.

35) I am not to give out documents in Franglais.

36) I am not to write any important letters to France, Switzerland or any other french-speaking country in Franglais.

37) Not even if they find it funny.

38) Am not allowed to bring in a buzzer to meetings that says "DON'T MENTION ZE WAR!"

39) Not allowed to take the above to mean that I can mention the War.

40) Probably be better not to talk about that time Switzerland accidently invaded Lichtenstein.

41) Or misplacing Gibralter.

42) I am not to start a 'Jaffa Cakes for America' help fund.

43) Germany doesn't hold a grudge against Switzerland for taking potshots at him during the war, therefore I shouldn't either.

44) I cannot overrule anything my goverment says on the basis that "I've had all their mums".

45) I am not allowed to put anything in a wheelie bin that is not meant to be put in a wheelie bin.

46) My personal feelings of what should or should not be put into wheelie bins will not be taken into account.

47) I am not to justify others' possessions appearing among my things with "And I once found a bomb in my back garden, doesn't mean I put it there", validity nonwithstanding.

48) I am not to say the above in front of Germany as he can easily throw it back.

49) There really shouldn't be any reason for others' possessions turning up among my things.

50) I am not allowed to make John F. Kennedy jokes in front of America.

51) America's proper name is not "burger-eating invasion-monkey" and I should refrain from addressing him as such.

52) I should not say that I tolerate anyone the same way one would tolerate herpes.

53) Europe is not a third-world country.

54) America is not a third-world country.

55) It may in fact be offensive to actual third-world countries to say so.

56) I should not turn up to a meeting wearing a hoody and carrying a bag of basmati rice to see if anyone gets it.

57) I am not to present Spain with a boat and say:" It's got a glass bottom, so you'll be able to see your old one."

58) I am not to challenge Spain to a game of battleships.

59) I should not have a QI-style buzzer rigged to go off anytime anybody speaks.

60) The 'Camp German' impression will never be mentioned again, ever, at all.


	3. Chapter 3

RULES_ I AM OBLIGED TO LIVE BY AS FORCED ON ME BY GERMANY (and most other people...)_

_By England_

61) Shouting 'bus wankers' at people from my colleagues car is neither big nor clever.

62) Not to go up to any of the Bad Friends and say "Awww, losing war friends!"

63) Not allowed to tell anyone they're persona non grata upon walking through the door.

64) I should not imitate anything I saw Jon Pertwee or Tom Baker do in front of anyone.

65) This does include constantly fixating on jelly babies.

66) I shouldn't attempt to convince anyone that anything I own is in fact bigger on the inside.

67) I shouldn't tell America that any statue will kill him if he looks away from it.

68) I shouldn't tell Sealand the same.

69) Tony is not a Silent.

70) I am to stick to one regional accent when I talk.

71) One regional accent when I talk should mean the whole meeting. I should not change accents for every word, every sentence or every speech, even if I think it sounds better in one accent as opposed to another.

72) Unitelligible Scouse, Geordie, Yam-Yam or 'Chav' are only to be used if absolutely necessary.

73) I am to never ask my brothers if they want to come down for a riot with me.

74) I am not to ask _anyone _if they're going to come down to riot with me.

75) I should not give 'insanity' as an excuse for missing meetings.

76) I should refrain from giving 'My boss is mental,' as an excuse for missing a world meeting.

77) I am to never again send anyone in place of me to a world meeting who has not been deemed suitably appropriate.

78) I am not to consider sending Boris Johnson, Frankie Boyle, Russell Howard or any other comedian, any footballer, Simon Cowell or Louis Walsh in place of me to world meetings.

79) Next time the Eurovision contest comes around, I actually have to make an effort. It doesn't matter if I don't watch it or don't give a fart about it.

80) I am not to act incredibly surprised next time someone says they actually do watch Eurovision.


End file.
